Problem Solving with Young Children

Problem solving with young children, or anyone, can be challenging. It is difficult to hold two seemingly conflicting ideas and come up with a solution that meets both people’s needs. Yet, it is a powerful tool that supports healthy relationships.

Many professionals have discussed and presented models of problem solving. As I wrote this, Dr. Ross Greene put out a documentary (https://livesinthebalance.org/cps-with-young-kids/) about this topic. I recommend checking it out. Dr. Ross Greene’s model is at the core of what I teach parents and I’ve adapted Collaborative Problem Solving and Collaborative and Proactive Solutions for many, many years to fit the needs of young children and their families. I even put it to use when my oldest child was a toddler and then again in preschool when they needed support navigating close, intense relationships! The solutions children arrive at always amaze and surprise me.

So, how do you problem solve with a 3-year-old, or 4-year-old or even a 5-year-old? First, it is important to understand that problem solving does not happen when your child is dysregulated (at least not for a long time). Problem solving focuses on moments that aren’t working and are dysregulating but happen when everyone is regulated.

Here are the steps:

1) Empathize, state the child’s concerns, validate - this can happen when the child is dysregulated. A great book that illustrates this is The Rabbit Listened by by Cori Doerrfeld. Don’t move to the next step though until your child is regulated.

2) State your concern - don’t forget this part! This may also be the other person’s concern if you are facilitating and not involved in the problem.

3) Ask the child(ren) to come up with ideas to solve the problem that meet their concern and your concern. I often restated the problem and what I’ve learned in steps 1 and 2.

*Note: if they are not able to come up with solutions yet, state 2-3 solutions.

4) Evaluate the solution(s) - do they meet both concerns? If yes, implement the solution and if not, come up with more.

Here’s a simplified example where you are in the facilitator role:

Two children have been arguing over what show to watch.

1) Say, “I know this is so hard. You really want to watch Bluey and it is such a good show.” Your child may say something like, “I do!” or if you aren’t getting it right, they might correct you. (I’d also do the same for sister).

2) “It sounds like there is a problem because your sister wants to watch Octonauts and you want Bluey. This is tough!”

3) “Hmmm, I wonder what we could do because you want Bluey and she wants Octonauts.”

Child might say, “I know, we could watch both!”

4) “If you watch Bluey and Octonauts together, does that solve the problem?” Yes!

Here’s another example of a parent having trouble getting the kid out the door in the morning:

1) “I’ve noticed that you are getting cranky with me in the morning when I say it is time to go and yelling.”

“Yes! It is because you rush me!”

“I see, I’m rushing you and that makes you feel cranky. That probably doesn’t feel very good. I know I don’t like to be rushed.”

2) “Here’s my concern, it is my job to get you to school on time.”

3) “Hmm, I wonder if there’s a ways to get to school on time without you feeling rushed.”

“What if you give me a 5 minute warning so I know I have that much time to play before we leave.”

4) “Would a 5 minute warning help you not feel rushed while still getting to school on-time?”

“I think so.”

“Let’s try it!”

If you are struggling to get to a place where this can happen, please reach out at dr.megan@collectivegrowthpdx.com. I can help fine tune the approach to help build the skills everyone needs to be successful.

Good luck in supporting your little problem solver!